Self-Help
Find support for healing and change in these practical self-help articles.
How to Deal With Anger
Anger has never hurt anyone. You read that right: Anger has never hurt anyone. “But what about homicide? Domestic violence? Bar fights?” you ask. “Those are the results of anger, and people definitely do get hurt.” People are hurt by physical aggression, not by anger. Aggression is a behavior, and it can definitely hurt people. But anger itself is only a feeling, and like any other feeling, it’s harmless in and of itself. However, there are people …
How to Soothe Yourself
Here’s a way to soothe anxiety that doesn’t alienate people, destroy your liver or stunt your emotional growth. Whenever I’ve had a difficult conversation with someone important to me, or even an unpleasant interaction with a stranger, I tend to feel a little queasy emotionally. If I pay attention, I usually find I’m feeling anxious in some way about what happened. Did I say or do the wrong thing? Did I do damage? Should I …
6 Ways to Feel Better Now
Regardless of whether you made resolutions for the new year… Here are 6 simple ways you can improve your life today, this year, and for the rest of your life. 1. Clear clutter for more energy Start cleaning out clutter today. Clutter clogs your engines in insidious ways. You know how the less fit you feel, the less you feel like exercising? Well, the more “stuff” you accumulate at home or in the office, the …
Immunity to Change (Video)
Why is it so hard to make important changes in our lives — even the ones we genuinely want? For instance, why do so many of us find it impossible to make positive lifestyle changes even though our health is at stake? Robert Kegan, whom I first “met” through his brilliant book The Evolving Self, has an explanation for this puzzling problem. He describes it in this engaging video about his book called Immunity to Change. …
How to Stop Obsessing Over Things You Can’t Control
We’ve all heard how bad it is to ruminate — that is, to chew on something troubling, turning it over and over in your mind. Doing this makes you feel worse instead of better, so according to traditional wisdom, you’re supposed to watch your thoughts. You’re supposed to just STOP if you find yourself ruminating. But no one tells you how. Feels So Bad It’s Good The reason no one tells you how you’re supposed …
10 Simple Ways to Feel Good Today
1. Believe in your feelings. If you don’t think your own feelings are valid, why should other people? 2. Speak your truth, if only to yourself. Honesty begins at home; don’t hide knowledge from yourself. When you do this, you lose self-respect and self-esteem. 3. Make the most of a sunny day if you wish, but when it’s cold or cloudy, feel free to hide under a blanket. Nature governs the seasons of our lives …
How to Assert Yourself Without Being Mean
Someone asks you to lend them money. Not a lot. Just enough so you’ll miss it and wonder if you’ll see it again. You’d rather not lend it, but you can’t say no. You give it up, then resent the person for not paying you back without your having to ask. You visit the home of an acquaintance and she says, “My dog is super friendly. Let me know if he’s bothering you.” Fifteen minutes …
Overcome the Self-Criticism Habit
As a counselor, I meet a lot of people who criticize themselves constantly. If anything bad happens, it’s because the person is stupid, incompetent, thoughtless, a terrible parent, a terrible spouse, etc. The constant negative mental chatter ratchets up to a full-blown rant whenever something goes wrong. It’s beyond just critical thinking and self-regulation. It’s bullying. Still, people with this kind of chronic negative self-talk are not necessarily irrational. Often, they acknowledge when questioned that …
Think Like a Country
More often than not, when I have a problem and need to make a decision, I ask other people what they would do if they were in my shoes. Then I decide whether to follow their advice or … ask someone else! I’ve always thought of this as due diligence, but if I’m honest with myself, the real reason I ask for input is NOT so that I can weigh all my options judiciously like …