Go to Top

Are You Keeping Secrets From Yourself?

This is a continuation of How to Feel Whole (September 2012).

One way to stay whole is to refuse to keep secrets from yourself.

You know what it feels like to keep secrets.

It’s trying not think about something that’s uncomfortable to think about, or taking a different perspective on something in order NOT to feel the way you feel.

The problem with keeping secrets like this is that you actually need to know the things you’re trying not to know.

You need to know, for example, how disappointed you are by what happened, or didn’t happen.

… How relieved you are to be free of taking care of your ailing mother now that she’s gone.

… How angry you are at your spouse for ignoring your needs. Again.

It’s important to know these things, because they’re true. And in a very specific way, the truth can set you free.

Honesty, Integrity and Freedom

When you keep secrets from yourself, you break into two pieces: One piece that knows the truth (e.g., “I’m not happy in my relationship”) and another piece that doesn’t want to know.

As soon as that happens, you’re not whole anymore.

You’re now divided in half, with tension between the two halves. It feels crummy because you know something’s not right inside.

Why would someone lie to herself and tolerate feeling less than whole?

How about fear of judgment?

That’s the good news. You can choose right this second to let yourself off the hook!

There’s no need to judge your thoughts or feelings. You don’t control them, they’re not even there by choice. And they’re not hurting anybody just by being inside you.

No one can see your insides. No one’s around to criticize. Stop judging yourself.

Once you allow yourself to think and feel without judgment, you’re free to be 100% honest with yourself.

You’re free to be whole again.

You’ll gain back all that energy that used to be spent keeping secrets from yourself.

Now …

Is there something you want to tell you?

About Tina Gilbertson

Tina Gilbertson is a psychotherapist, speaker and author based in Denver, Colorado. She specializes in supporting parents of estranged adult children through therapy, consulting and other resources, and offers assertiveness training and executive coaching for organizations. The author of "Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings by Letting Yourself Have Them" and the "Guide for Parents of Estranged Adult Children," Tina is often featured in the media as an expert on communication and relationships. Her blog on PsychologyToday.com is called "Constructive Wallowing."
, , ,

0 Responses to "Are You Keeping Secrets From Yourself?"

  • Chris Edgar
    October 25, 2012 - 5:56 pm Reply

    Yes, I have been reluctant to admit to myself that I think that the visual side of my show has not been progressing at the rate I’d like it to proceed at, and delaying having the conversations that I think need to be had with people in that area. I plan to have them soon, though.

    • Tina Gilbertson
      October 25, 2012 - 6:29 pm Reply

      Wow, Chris. You’re broaching two levels of courage there: One, being honest with yourself, and two, facing difficult conversations that may be necessary but are no fun at all to initiate.

      If you think you might like a little inspiration for the latter, there’s a good book by Susan Scott called “Fierce Conversations.” It’s all about how to have those difficult conversations, particularly at work.

      Best of luck with this and thanks so much for sharing. I’m rooting for you.

Leave a Reply