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Conversations With Your Ex

woman writing in notebook-fdpAre you hurting from a breakup? Experiencing relationship trouble? Sad or angry about something that happened long ago, or full of regret because you feel you hurt someone?

You might be able to heal a little bit faster using a technique developed by my friend Jody, who agreed to let me use her name in this post.

Write to Heal

After Jody read “Conversations with God,” she got creative and started writing down conversations with people — or rather, with the souls of people —  she needed to resolve things with. Including people who were still alive.

“I ask the person’s soul because I figure the soul is pure good,” she explains. Even if someone has been cruel or failed to understand her in the past, she can appeal to their soul and feel safe in communicating with them.

For example, after her divorce she needed answers to lingering questions. So she wrote down a conversation between herself and the good soul of her ex-husband. She got the answers she needed.

The dialogues she created were ones she couldn’t have had with her actual ex. But his good, loving soul was happy to oblige and speak with her for as long as she needed, answering all her questions with patience and wisdom.

Jody says it was those written conversations with her ex’s soul that helped her heal and move forward after the divorce.

How to Do It

If there’s someone you’re angry at, sad about, or afraid of, you might benefit the way Jody did from writing down a conversation between yourself and that person’s soul.

Ask the questions you need answers to. Say the things you need to say to the person, and listen to the response from their soul.

Think of the soul as the pure essence of the person, minus their human frailty, their history and their hurts. It’s whatever part of them belongs in Heaven.

When you speak to that beautiful, good part of them, you’re not dealing with their flawed human selves. You’re safe from whatever might happen in an actual conversation between you.

So go ahead and have a heart-to-heart with THAT PERSON’s soul, and please let me know how it goes.

Thanks, Jody!

Photo courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

About Tina Gilbertson

Tina Gilbertson is a psychotherapist, speaker and author based in Denver, Colorado.
She specializes in supporting parents of estranged adult children through therapy, consulting and other resources, and offers assertiveness training and executive coaching for organizations.
The author of “Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings by Letting Yourself Have Them” and the “Guide for Parents of Estranged Adult Children,” Tina is often featured in the media as an expert on communication and relationships.
Her blog on PsychologyToday.com is called “Constructive Wallowing.”

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0 Responses to "Conversations With Your Ex"

  • cheryl
    January 22, 2013 - 4:02 pm Reply

    Hi Tina, I like the idea of this exercise. But at the same time I’d feel apprehensive about trying it. If you have a person(s) in your life who is not so healthy for you to be around, couldn’t this get me into a place where I give them too much benefit of the doubt? Open me up to re-engaging in relationships that are better left a little distant? Although the good part of their soul (that I could imagine) might be able to respond in a compassionate way, but I’m afraid it would lull me into thinking their ‘real person’ could too. Only their real person is more likely to emotionally whop me one.

    • Tina Gilbertson
      January 22, 2013 - 5:17 pm Reply

      Hi Cheryl. You make an excellent point. This exercise might be best with people from the past, not those who still have the power to hurt you in the present and/or future.
      … That is, unless you use the exercise exclusively to give YOURSELF the benefit of the doubt, not them.
      If their soul is truly good, it will steer you clear of an unhealthy relationship.
      For example,
      You: “Am I not good enough for you?”
      Their Soul: “You’re more than good enough; I just don’t appreciate good people so I don’t treat them well. That’s why it’s appropriate that you won’t talk to me. I need to hit bottom before I seek help. Thanks for *not* putting up with my s–t.”
      Thank you for visiting!

      • cheryl
        January 23, 2013 - 4:01 pm Reply

        “… That is, unless you use the exercise exclusively to give YOURSELF the benefit of the doubt, not them. …”

        This is such a helpful way of looking at it Tina – thanks so much for turning my perception of that around. The example you gave illustrates it perfectly. Many thanks again.

  • jwynnyk
    January 24, 2013 - 8:43 am Reply

    I do this exercise to communicate with my mother…she’s a real person who always has and always will be an emotional challenge for me. I know that fundamentally, she loves me, but she is incapable of letting the ego part of herself dissipate in favor of her true self and in doing this, relates to me with her hard shell and toxic exchanges. When talking to her true self through this dialogue, I reconnect with her essence, the part of her that tells me how much she loves me and how much she appreciates that I’m in the world with her. I know and accept that she could never say those words to me in real life, but this exercise gives me the strength to be present with her, to accept her for where she’s at in life and to better emanate my love and appreciation for her.

    • Tina Gilbertson
      January 24, 2013 - 10:05 am Reply

      I feel uplifted just reading this comment. THANK YOU.

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